i wait in anticipation of something, anything. the tension is on the verge of breaking. the mind a mangle of scattered thoughts that have taken root and overpowers. i yearn for something, anything. i don't know what. life is a network of complicated twists, of hesitation by the meek, of avoidance and pretenses. life is a network of tangled webs, of cowardly shields by the weak, of scared silences and furtive glances. glances from under my lashes of quick peeks there and away. glances that shimmers with that anticipation, glances that shutters to hide.
the anticipation kills but then i remember the web, the twists, the impossibilities, no hope the deadlier.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
emptiness
where has my thoughts gone? where has everything gone? you take a step back and look at your life in perspective and in the glaring reality the mind has shut down and gone into self preservation mode. the body protests, crying out for sleep. the mind protests, crying out for rest. so now i am but an empty shell, barely functioning, with no will to get out of bed in the mornings, with no care for what nourishment i might need.
my life is one neverending grieving period. it's one tragedy after another and instead of becoming numb, the pain hurts more and more and digs and twists more harshly, aiming more precisely. it chips away at my resolve and whatever restrictions i had put on myself to keep me going is gone.
my life is one neverending grieving period. it's one tragedy after another and instead of becoming numb, the pain hurts more and more and digs and twists more harshly, aiming more precisely. it chips away at my resolve and whatever restrictions i had put on myself to keep me going is gone.
Monday, April 18, 2005
uncanniness
This described me way too closely. It's strange feeling like someone delved deep into your subconscious and presented it to you in a tight little package.
http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Relationship&page=1
eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 7/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 8/10
You are a RPIG--Reserved Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Rock of Gibraltar.
You are loyal, kind, thoughtful and conscientious. You're a good person. You make everyone around you happier and better, even if you yourself are not at your happiest or best. You just care so much about your friends and loved ones that you can't help giving them everything of yourself. It can wear you out, but you'd never let on.
You're successful, smart and fun to be with, but your self-esteem could use some boosting. You don't like conflict, and you don't like demanding things for yourself, so you can feel unappreciated. But then you wonder if you don't deserve to be appreciated. You do!
You have many small crushes, but it takes you ages to get to a serious stage with someone. You get so caught up second-guessing yourself and worrying if the other person really *likes* likes you that you never dare to make the first move. Generally you end up with another clever RPIG who knows one when s/he sees one. This adds up to one long courtship. Fortunately this also adds up to one long marriage.
You would never cheat. You would never hurt anyone's feelings. You are so sympathetic and give so many second chances that it takes a lo-o-ong time for anyone to get on your bad side.
Your only problem is you can be *too* thoughtful -- you can end up worrying and getting hung up over nothing.
You may be a boy scout.
Of the 220028 people who have taken this quiz, 7 % are this type.
http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Relationship&page=1
eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 7/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 8/10
You are a RPIG--Reserved Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Rock of Gibraltar.
You are loyal, kind, thoughtful and conscientious. You're a good person. You make everyone around you happier and better, even if you yourself are not at your happiest or best. You just care so much about your friends and loved ones that you can't help giving them everything of yourself. It can wear you out, but you'd never let on.
You're successful, smart and fun to be with, but your self-esteem could use some boosting. You don't like conflict, and you don't like demanding things for yourself, so you can feel unappreciated. But then you wonder if you don't deserve to be appreciated. You do!
You have many small crushes, but it takes you ages to get to a serious stage with someone. You get so caught up second-guessing yourself and worrying if the other person really *likes* likes you that you never dare to make the first move. Generally you end up with another clever RPIG who knows one when s/he sees one. This adds up to one long courtship. Fortunately this also adds up to one long marriage.
You would never cheat. You would never hurt anyone's feelings. You are so sympathetic and give so many second chances that it takes a lo-o-ong time for anyone to get on your bad side.
Your only problem is you can be *too* thoughtful -- you can end up worrying and getting hung up over nothing.
You may be a boy scout.
Of the 220028 people who have taken this quiz, 7 % are this type.
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