bitterly sweet

bit-ter-sweet

-adjective
1. both bitter and sweet: bittersweet chocolate.
2. both pleasant and painful or regretful: a bittersweet memory.

-noun
3. also called woody nightshade. a climbing or trailing plant, Solanum dulcamara, of the nightshade family, having small, violet, star-shaped flowers with a protruding yellow center and scarlet berries.

I remember my last summer in Vancouver. It was a summer of clear sunny days and balmy nights. The second to last week, I went camping at a glacial lake with a group of acquaintances, and the boy I had loved when I was sweet 16 (whatever that means... sweeter than 15?) and then lost at a not-so-sweet age. Perhaps I still loved him but everyone tells me first loves are never real. First love is the insubstantial love of youth and inexperience.

The hot afternoons would find me shivering in the glacial lake as I dived into the icy waters, numbing myself since I already regretted coming on the camping trip.

On the last night, a quiet night, I spread my towel on the beach beside the lake and stretched out under the great expanse of the dark sky. Have you ever seen the night sky far far away from the bright city lights? The stars were so numerous that it was almost like looking into infinity. I wanted to count the shooting stars but I lost track. And why are they called stars anyway? They are just meteors passing through the Earth's atmosphere, much less romantic than the idea of stars falling from the sky.

The boy I had loved joined me, stretched out next to me an arm's length away and when I turned my head to look at him, I could see the wispy fog of his warm breath in the cool night air. We were within touching distance and yet, I felt closer to the stars.

We didn't talk. Or if we did, it's forgotten. All that is left is the bittersweet aftertaste of knowing I was leaving soon, away from my childhood home, and away from the boy I had loved with the wild abandonment that comes with the first love.

He left to go back to the heat of the campfire. I stayed on the beach huddled inside my hoodie until I couldn't feel my toes anymore.

Dreams have a way of bringing up unwanted memories and emotions. But is it unwanted or is it a deep repressed desire that one doesn't have the right to anymore?

I dreamt of him last night. It was so tangible and scintillating to all the senses. I woke up and wanted to shout, "Out, out, away from my mind!"

And now I can't stop thinking about him.

frilly concoctions

There was a show* (I think it's a different bridal reality show than the one in my last post) about a bridal boutique and finding brides the perfect dress. All through the show, they would show the bride's budget for finding the dress and each time, I'm sure the entire estate could hear my bursts of disbelief.

"What? 3k for a dress?!?! That's a month's salary!" "You've got to be kidding! I can take a vacation to India for a month and still spend less than that!" "7K!!! Don't they have anything better to spend money on? Maybe money really grows on trees!"

And so on...

Anyway, right now, Miss Mary-Jane on Weddingbee is my new hero. And yes, I've been reading that blog since my photog friend was mentioned on that site. She went into her closet and dug out a white dress that she bought ages ago and is now thinking of wearing that as her wedding dress. How's that for being thrifty as well as not succumbing to the over-consumption of the wedding craze. Cheers to brides who are thrifty and environmentally conscious.

There's so many dresses that are unique and inexpensive; etsy, ebay, thrift shops, vintage online stores, or even your own closet. I wish brides would think outside the wedding box.

If I were getting married anytime soon, this dress totally made me smile, and only 85$USD on etsy. How delightful is that?




*I rarely watch TV and in my home, the Discovery channel is the only English channel I've subscribed to. Even I'm boggled by all the wedding related reality stuff on Discovery these days.

wedding bliss?

I was watching this wedding show, Rich Bride, Poor Bride with my mum on TV about brides and budgets. One bride had a budget of 20 000$USD and ended up going over by more than 16 000$. I wonder if that's considered the "poor bride's" budget. The show was interspersed with older couples sharing their own experiences and how much they spent back then. One couple who got married 51 years ago, spent 6000$ on their wedding. I exclaimed to my mum how much money that was 51 years ago! And then my mum so aptly pointed out that there _are_ people out there who have money to spend.

The wedding industry is growing exponentially. They market the wedding day as the "happiest day of the couple's lives" when really, if that was true, what kind of marriage would that be without anymore "happiest" days? In Hong Kong (as I'm sure as with anywhere else), dresses are getting frillier until you're not sure which structure is the cake or the bride; entire forests are killed to make invitations for just one wedding; the amount of photos taken rivals that of any paparazzi; and 20 000$ USD is considered underbudget for a decent wedding *boggle*

When my parents got married 30 years ago, they spent only 1000$ HKD (less than 200$USD). So I told my mum, if I ever get married (considering I can find a guy first), I will only spend 1000$ CND... and the trees can stay standing.

Addendum: When I think more on weddings (since I had a plethora of friends married the past 3 years and more this year), it's not so much the budget but the sheer consumption and its results. The massive amount of paper for save-the-dates, invitations, post-invitation, programs, thank-you cards, etc; the favours that no one ever keeps but everyone still insists on giving; the decorations that goes into the rubbish afterwards; and dresses that are worn once and never again (which boggles the mind when you think about how many brides and bridesmaids there are getting married).

self portrait 01

I loved my red crocs.

crouching crane, hidden chi

I started my first Tai Chi lesson and this is what I learned:

* being a crane is hard.
* the horse ran away when I parted its mane.
* and the sparrow doesn't like to be grabbed by its tail.